What I Do Miss (While in Self-Isolation)
Being stuck in the city thinking, “Can’t wait to go back home and do nothing.”
The awkwardness of a crowded lift where everyone tries to focus on a spot nobody is looking at
Sticky pub’s floors
Looking at that guy who walks into Café W at Waterstones looking at his phone and asks if they have a USB charger and the woman behind the counter says that no, unfortunately they don’t, and the guy asks if they have sockets, and woman shakes her head and says, no, I’m afraid we don’t, and the guy looks around and says, “I mean, a plug to plug stuff into, don’t you have any?”
Waiting at the bus stop and complaining about public transports being never on time
Catching a cab because if you keep waiting for that damn bus you’ll be so late you’ll miss the beginning of the movie
Cab drivers’ small talks that turn interesting only when they’re about to drop you off
Going to the cinema and sit down just in time to watch ads and trailers. Waiting for the Unlimited Member advert showing Phil ranting about his hideous job and boring life, until Phil gets his Unlimited Member card and starts living a life like there’s no tomorrow and acts like a creep with his work colleague. And it’s not that I miss the advert or Phil. But what I miss is the voice. That one voice that every time, every single damn time Phil finishes dancing on screen, a voice in the audience shouts, “Get a life, Phil.”
Sneaking corner-shop snacks into the cinema because they’re much cheaper than a fizzy drink and a large popcorn for a tenner
Meeting someone and feeling your heart beating in your face so much until you have shortness of breath without being worried that it could be sudden pneumonia
Talking about Brexit
The same guy who walked into Waterstones and asked to charge his phone who checks cakes and sweets for so long you could bake a pie, then points at something and says, “This.” He says, “How many calories are there in this cupcake?” And the woman behind the counter, with a neaurotic twitch in her eye, she says, give me a second, and opens a giant notebook, sliding her finger on the page, she taps on a line and says 300 calories. And the guy scratches his bald head, points at a slice of cheesecake and says, “How about this one?”
Apologising for inadvertently elbowing someone on the street
Honking like a maniac when the traffic light turns green and the 5-door blue Toyota Corolla in front of you doesn’t move because the driver is stuck writing a memorable tweet about the tv series he fell asleep watching on Netflix last night
Going back home to watch Netflix and chill when saying “Watch Netflix and chill” didn’t mean only to watch Netflix and chill
Coughing after a sip of coffee without the hysterical need to frantically open your browser and run through the whole list of pandemic symptoms
The same guy at Waterstones who gets 223 calories smashed in a chocolate and strawberry cookie, taps and pays with his card, then squints and says, “This is vegan right?”
Looking in the mirror before leaving the house making sure you remembered to wear top and trousers and you’re not actually walking in the outside world in your pyjamas
The man in the queue at the airport security control who keeps forgetting change in his worn-out vintage trousers and makes the metal detector squeal on and on again dragging his feet back to the tray apologising to everyone
Telling your friends that you won’t go out tonight because you’re so tired — but you’re actually so skint you have to eat expired canned food — although you’re up for drinks next week — because you’ll get paid in a couple of days and then you’ll live like there’s no tomorrow but not being a creep like Phil from the cinema avert
You finally got paid and your friends say, Let’s go for a pint, maybe two. And you wake up in the morning with a giant spiderweb crack on your phone wondering where your wallet is
Sunday roast with more than five people at the table
The same guy who counted calories at Waterstones who went to the bathroom and comes back furious and enraged holding his belly and asking why the hell they have a security code on the bathroom door
Walking into a restaurant where you’ve always wanted to go to and the waiter tells you that there’s more than an hour wait and you snort and grumble hauling yourself outside wondering where else you can eat and why there aren’t more decent restaurants on this street
The same guy who nearly pissed himself at Waterstones who scoffs down his 223 calories leaving crumbles all over the table and on his way out asks, “Are you 100 per cent sure you don’t have a USB charger?”
Practising smiles with your colleagues in the office and listen to why their weekend didn’t exceed their expectation because of blah-blah-blah when the only thing you want to do is to grab your coffee, sit at your desk and check the overgrowing list of emails
All the lights in theatres. Because now there’s only one. Because whenever theatres have to close, the staff leave a light on in the middle of the stage as a promise to come back. Because they know they will come back. They know that all this, whatever this is, in the end, it will all go back to normal
Giving those awkward long bear hugs to the people you love because you never know when a hug turns into a last one
Staying at home when you just wanted to stay at home and not because it was the only option available
Small talks
Small talks or anything, for that matter, anything other than talks about this global pandemic